The Witches
10-21-2022
Based on Roald Dahl’s 1983 Dark Childrens tale, The Witches serves as a entry level horror adventure for people who want to have the ever living shit scared out of them. Screenwriter Allan Scott teamed with Rock and Roll Documentarian and Aids activist Nicolas Roeg to release the film in 1990.
The story starts out with a young boy Luke ( Chicago native Jasen Fisher of Hook) being tucked away to bed by his grandmother Helga ( Mai Zetterling of The Ringer). Helga goes on about her knowledge of the absolutely factual existence of Witches. We get a very uniquely British feeling ( whatever that means) reel of shots with Grandma narrating the absolutely terrifying story of her BF Erica being abducted by a witch when she was a little girl. The witch who snatched Erica out of the alley.. Uses witchery TO TRANSPORT THE LITTLE GIRL INSIDE OF A PAINTING TO LIVE OUT THE REST OF HER DAYS. Grandma continues to reveal that they could still see Erica aging in the painting until she disappeared completely.
This story within our story is the scariest fucking thing and gave me nightmares for weeks as a child. We are already getting vibes that grandma is a bit odd, but then we get the big one. She convinces Luke that witches won’t be able to smell him out if he only showers once or twice a month.
How bad does Luke and his grandma smell ? Safe to shower once a month ? They don’t make a body spray for that.
Lukes parents come in the bedroom to make sure Grandma isn’t full on dementing Lukes innocence.
Morning comes and Lukes parents never made it home. Luke and Helga decide to spend some time at a very high end hotel before making it back to America where Luke is from.
Que the Witches staying in the SAME hotel for a seminar to ( on the DL) murder all the children in their respective territories throughout the world. No Joke these wicked women are the real deal, terrifying nightmare fuel. This is mainly in thanks to effects of the practical persuasion by the master Jim Henson. Henson proves yet again that his caliber of work stretches audiences minds to believing in anything within the worlds he and his team create.
Angelica Huston plays the Grand High Witch/ Miss Ernst. I’m not going to get into huge details/spoilers, but goodness she nails this role. She is snobby, sexy, and terrifying all at once.
Her voice shines through some prosthetics in the film to exemplify her raw talent and range as she steals the show from the second she gets on the stage to the moment she leaves.
Don’t forget.. Mr Bean ( Rowan Atkinson) is in this film as the shifty Hotel Manager. Who also happens to be sleeping with his employees. Such a fun contrast from the Beanster.
Supporting character is Bruno Jenkins ( Charlie Potter)is a pastry pimp, snotty boy who is fixated on eating while his wealthy lush parents do whatever they can to avoid their only child like a plague.
The neglect puts Bruno into a position to be the first victim of the Grand High Witch’s are formula, turning him into mouse. Huston gives an unforgettable performance here.
One awkward moment :
Huston getting all horned up over murdering a child in front of her employees like its some kind of team building exercise.
Cinematographer Harvey Harrison deserves some serious props for this. He and Nicolas Roeg made some very unique and effective decisions with the shots in The Witches. The camera flow and angles from a child’s view is genius .
It has some Peter Jackson vibes but with a more natural rhythm to the shots.
Stanley Myers ( The Deer Hunter) put together a very compelling score for this. Again, this is an entry level horror that has covered body horror, claustrophobia, sound / score tensions building, body horror, and child murder within the first half of the movie.
The rest of it just keeps getting wilder. You can check it out in all its glory right not on HBO. Be sure to watch this over the remake from 2020. Yes Anne Hathaway and Octavia Butler are great in it, but the film as a whole cannot touch the original .
Not to spoil, but now is a great time to do a direct or spiritual sequel to this. It would be awesome to give a Once and Future vibe. I’ll let your imagination run with that after you make it to the end of this one. Get your chocolate and Cress soup warm for…
The boy becomes … A Drunk ! : A The Witches Drinking game
Drink when:
A kidnapping happens
Zoom in on a window
Someone Says Grandma
You see Erica
You See Glowing eyes
You See of hear the wordChocolate
You See a homicide
Bruno Jenkins be eating
Grand High Witch reveal
Laser eyes
Name the formula before anyone else can and you give the group a round . If you miss it you all take a drink
Witness any Transformation
See a cat
Witness a health code violation.